Parricide Myths

I am not an expert in parricide but obviously neither are prosecutors or defense attorneys But here are some myths that I hear in the courtroom or from all those who want to throw kids away for forever. 1) The crimes are so brutal. So that means the kid is a monster. Parricide is overkill by its very nature. Imagine being

terrified of someone who is omniscient, omnipotent and has had total control over you from birth. You live in constant

fear of this super-human being, your parent. When you attack that person who has so bullied and intimidated you, two

things happen. Rage and fear. Rage at how that person has destroyed your soul, at all the terrible things he’s done to

you. And fear. That no matter what you do, no matter how many times you strike that person, he will get up off the floor

and come after you and beat the living hell out of you. So instead of hitting somebody 5 times you hit them 40. Empty a

pistol on her rather than two shots. You get the idea. The crime scene, they say, always tell the tale. In this case,

prosecutors and the public mis-read the signs. Or, in the case of prosecutors, they want a conviction and really don’t

care about the delicacies and fine points of abuse. That’s the defense attorney job. And too often they remain ignorant

of abuse. 2) The kid claims he wasn’t abused. So, if he admits to it later he’s making it up. Or if says he wasn’t abused, believe

him. No need to further investigate. Kids don’t admit to being “abused.” (How many battered women deny being

abused—and they’re adults. They have a life history. They’re supposed to understand those things.) Besides, these kids

often don’t even believe they were abused. Trust me, if you really sit down and talk to these kids, it goes like this, “I

wasn’t abused because he didn’t break my arm. I wasn’t abused because she didn’t threaten to kill me. I wasn’t abused

because I got some pleasure out of the molestation.” Besides, these kids have NOTHING to compare their lives to.

Jacob used to tell me, “I thought my home life was just like everyone else’s. So I figured every childhood sucked. And if

it looked different from the outside, well, WE looked different from the outside.” So they’re not lying when they say they

weren’t abused. They don’t think they were. Or if the light has gone on in their very jumbled, fractured and confused

brains and they’ve figured out, yeah, hitting them and raping them and calling them motherfucker and threatening them

with death if they tell anyone, they know better than to talk. They’ve been conditioned to keep the secrets. Or, as Jacob

said, “When I threatened to tell, my parents said, “They’ll just tell you you’re bad and deserved it.” So we speak to

these kids after they’ve killed someone and act as if they can behave rationally, as if they can reason like an adult and

haven’t spent a lifetime being brainwashed and tortured. And we send them off to prison for life and breathe a sigh of

relief that these monsters have been removed from the community. Oh, and by the way, kids always tell. Somebody

always knows. You just have to dig around. You have to investigate. While Nathan Ybanez was telling his attorney he

wasn’t abused, discovery was telling a different tale. Family and friends were contacting the defense attorney and

prosecutors with horrendous tales of abuse. Yet, when Nathan went to trial, none of those witnesses were called – and

abuse was never mentioned as a defense. 3) The crime was premeditated and therefore merits a first-degree murder conviction. True, which is why the definition

of first-degree murder must be changed in parricide cases. These crimes are ALWAYS premeditated. An abused kid has been fantasizing about killing his abuser or himself for many years. Figure it out. You’re surrounded by violence. You

see your parents solve their problems by violence. You’re learning that violence is a solution. And when you think about

ways to make it stop, you have very few options. One of them will be fantasizing that...

4) Guns and substance abuse are ubiquitous. And we never discuss either. Jacob shot his parents with a .357 that his

mother used to have him hide in various places when stepfather Kermode Jordan was drunk. Guns are commonplace in these households. They are used in parricide cases as much as 90% of the time. And where does the kid get the gun?

From his parents or other family members. But we will never touch that third most sacred rail, never even bring it up in

court or in the newspapers, never ponder or wonder aloud at the coincidence of the choice of murder weapon. Guns

don’t kill people. People kill people. And guns make it soooo easy for people to kill people. But we will never have a

rational discussion about anything dealing with guns. And either one or both parents inevitably abuses drugs, primarily

alcohol. We mention that in passing, but since so many Americans drink too much and ingest way too many legal or

illegal substances, let’s not lift up that particular dark corner either, shall we? The things we do and say when we’re out

of control, the way we scar our children. But let’s not even go there in court. And we don’t. Let’s just focus on the crazy,

ungrateful, spoiled, hateful little psychopaths.

5) These kids show no feeling. They’re not abused. They’re psychopaths. Everyone once in a while a fleeting smile will

lighten Nathan Ybanez’s face during conversation. Otherwise his expression seldom changes. At the four-day hearing

his expression never changed from a neutral, slight turning of the lips. Pleasant, non-confrontational. Witnesses

testified about his “flat affect.” Translation: this kid showed no feelings, ergo he’s a psychopath. Or let’s consider

another possibility, all you experts who never bothered to read Kathleen Heide or Paul Mones – these kids are abused!

Their expressions are neutral because, when around their parents they don’t want to scowl or smile too broadly or do

anything to draw attention to themselves, to give their abuser any ammunition to begin a tirade or a beating or to take

out their frustrations of the day on the child. Often the mark of an abused child will be an unusually soft voice, as well.

Don’t want to appear threatening in any way. Furthermore, after a short lifetime of stuffing their emotions in order to

survive, a lot of these kids don’t have feelings, or don’t know how to express them. At 15, Jacob couldn’t describe his

emotions. He didn’t really know what happiness, anger, frustration even meant. As a child Jacob cried all the time but

when he reached the age of 14, something remarkable happened, NO MORE TEARS. Nathan’s father testified that he’d

NEVER seen Nathan cry. That can’t possibly be right but the implication is these kids are inhuman. Let’s not dig a teeny

bit deeper and find out why a four-year-old wouldn’t cry.

6) A variation of the above. They’re spoiled brats. In Jacob’s case the prosecutor said, “This kids wasn’t abused. His

parents opened a college savings account for him!” Nathan’s parents never had any trouble other than Nathan and his

drug abuse and his friends. The father couldn’t explain why Nathan would want to commit suicide at age 11. And after

Nathan’s father threw him up against a wall and grabbed him by the throat, Nathan promised he would behave. After

his father released him, Nathan ran outside, barefoot, wearing only his underwear and carrying his clothes. The

prosecution said Nathan’s trying to run away proved that Nathan was a disobedient child. Hadn’t he JUST told his father

that he would obey him?

7) Another variation: they’re societal misfits. Nathan had started smoking pot and hanging out with “the wrong crowd,”

according to his heavy-drinking father. Jacob dressed like a hippie and hung out with groups of other kids who were

also being abused or had heavy-duty home problems. Jacob’s grades were always good—though his mother insisted

he repeat the 8^th grade over all the teachers’ objections. Both Nathan and Jacob are brilliant, though both’s schoolwork

was starting to suffer. Jacob was obviously severely depressed in the week’s leading up to the murders. The kids all

remarked on it, and the adults ignored it. One difference between Nathan and Jacob. Nathan was 16 when he killed his

mother; Jacob barely 15. Nathan had started speaking up and talking back a bit as happens as the kids mature. Acting

out more. Jacob had not reached the outwardly rebellious stage. He didn’t dare talk back, but the time was coming…

8) Nobody could have known. They seemed like such a happy family. Of course when you dissect these happy families,

many people knew and in most cases, they leave a trail with the authorities. A teacher is concerned, social services is

called. In Nathan’s case, law enforcement took him back home when he tried to run away and Social Services said he

was too old for them to worry about. “This,” said the prosecution, “proved that the system worked.” They were called,

found nothing and the monster killed his parents for no reason. So… when you call the authorities and they do nothing,

that proves there is no abuse. And if you DON’T call the authorities, that proves there is no abuse. These kids can’t win

and they know it. And finally, they do what they think must be done…

9) There were no clues that the kid was being abused. Always, always people know. Perhaps they just don’t understand

the language of abuse but it’s there. Perpetually moving families, isolated families, over-protective, over-watchful

parents. Fellow classmates and friends know. A kid may not say, “I’m abused” or even “My dad beats me,” but people

see bruises or scars and Jacob would talk about how his “life sucked.” In eighth grade, two years before the murders,

he was absent one day. The teacher asked a question about it and several kids piped up, “Jacob’s being abused.” That

rather interesting statement was never followed up on because hey, this is all one little boy’s fault and let’s not look

beyond that.

10) Why didn’t they tell the police or authorities?

See No. 8.

11) Well, they DID tell police and authorities and the investigations showed nothing was wrong.

See No. 8

12) The father abused him so he had no reason to kill his mother other than he’s a monster. Nathan Ybanez killed his

mother. Witnesses agreed that Roger Ybanez, Nathan’s father, was the physical abuser. So why would Nathan kill his

mother? A couple of reasons: sometimes both parents are abusive. One might be more emotionally abusive. Subtler,

more insidious and devious. Abuse is still abuse. Jacob always said his mother was “sweet.” And then when the doors

closed, shutting out the world, she was every bit as abusive as Kermode. However, Jacob and his older brother often

expressed MORE anger at her because “she allowed it! She was our mother and she was supposed to protect us.”

Sometimes, one parent is afraid of the other and to “protect” themselves and their children from the full measure of the

abuser’s wrath, they will enable him/her to continue their psychic destruction. They will stand by while the abuser rages

at the child. “He would have hurt us both if I interfered.” If they do step in, their efforts will be ineffectual. Sometimes the

abuser is ecumenical in his/her abuse. They don’t care who’s in front of them. They will lash out with their tongue or

their fists, leaving both parent and child decimated. Often, the parents are caught up in their own sick dance of co-

dependency. Jacob used to lament, “She promised to leave him.” And then the next day, it would be as if nothing

happened. As if it was all a dream. That never happened. The same way those nightly trips to the bedroom never

happened. The same way the beatings before the friendly visit with the school counselor never occurred. Or the tongue

lashing before the smiling family puts on its public face and appears in the outside world. No wonder these kids seem to be disconnected from reality—or have vivid imaginations. Their whole world is a chimera. Black is white. Up is down.

Evil is good. They doubt their senses because what they believe they see with their own eyes and hear with their own

ears, they are told is mistaken. Or what they see or hear is NEVER spoken of. So the kid doesn’t know what’s real and

what’s not. It’s called brainwashing, and these kids have had a lifetime of it.

13) Why didn’t he run away? Nathan tried to several times and was always returned. Jacob would have left for Christmas

at his father’s the next day. He also would have been returned. Jacob, a year younger than Nathan, felt he had even

fewer options. He asked friends if he could come live with them. These kids are often kept isolated, sometimes by

geography, with few friends and few visitors to their home. Jacob had never even been to McDonald’s by himself. And

he had the skills to run away? These kids are tightly tethered to their parents. That’s the only way the parents can keep

their secrets. And it’s when these kids reach their teen years when they strain against that tether. When they start

lashing out; when the parent senses he or she is losing control.

and that’s why these kids, at least in CO, get life sentences. Or maybe it’s our system, which is not about justice, but winning.

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